


A study in Sirius Black

by herpexia



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Falling in love and being sad, M/M, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-17 03:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3513362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herpexia/pseuds/herpexia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You are 14 and you know that Amortentia smells like old books and chocolate.</p><p>You are 33 and the boy looks so much like James it hurts in a way you didn’t know existed."</p><p>The life of the one and only Sirius Black.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A study in Sirius Black

**Author's Note:**

> This is me avoiding responsibilities and getting pretty obsessed with this paring. I've never written anything in second person narrator or in this fandom ever before but I just wanted to try something out.
> 
> I absolutely failed to do any research so if some of the timeline is incorrect it's my fault because my knowledge of the marauders is basically based on fanfiction at the moment.

You are only 11 when you finally get out of the house for the first time, and maybe there is life outside belittling and shouting even if you don’t believe in hope. You are conflicted between praying you won’t end up like them and wishing that maybe if you do, they will finally take you as you are. When the hat shouts out what you have been conditioned to hate you have no idea what to do. You end up being angry because it has worked for 11 years already.

You are still 11 when the boy with the wild hair from your dorm punches you in the face for saying what you have always been taught to say about the pureness of your blood. It freaks you out and you later get the same shakes you always got when the woman locked you out of the house for crying at night. This place is not different this place is the same, you think as you tell your hands to stay still, but later that week in detention the boy sees your shaking hands and angry eyes and doesn’t make fun of you. He’s only 11, too, but somehow he still knows and you never go everywhere without him again.

Later that same school year you finally understand the meaninglessness of blood and when it’s dark at night you might believe in hope; if three boys can build you a home inside a small dorm room maybe you don’t need the house you grew up in.

You are just stumbling on 12 when figure out why Remus is so afraid of the moon. None of you finds a way to tell him you know and you’re there for him, but you know a thing or two about feeling unwanted among the people you are supposed to call yours, so when the next moon comes you wait until the earliest morning and crawl into a hospital bed that wasn’t designed for two. “ _We don’t care, I don’t care_ ” you whisper against baby soft skin until you are rewarded with clasping hands and silent tears.

You are 12 when you know that boy will be your world.

12 turns into 13 and you live the best years of your life under an invisibility cloak with three boys. You still get the shakes when you hear someone raise their voice in the right tone but James knows the right jokes to make you laugh and there is always someone to share the bed with you if the woman is screaming at you in your sleep. The three of you map every corridor of the school and reveal all the secrets you bet no one else even knows about.

You kiss a girl when you are 14 because James is obsessed with the girl with red hair and you feel like you have to find someone like that. You’ve read that lips are supposed to feel like butterflies and the ones you kiss never do, so you keep kissing girls and feeling nothing while James tells you how good Evans smells.

You are 14 and you know that Amortentia smells like old books and chocolate.

Still 14 when you look at the night sky and beg for the moon to stop growing for Remus’ sake. You already have a plan Remus knows nothing about but it’s just a plan and it will take you months to put it into action. When you finally turn into a dog it feel brilliant but not as brilliant as Remus’ smile as he looks at you three like you have saved him from drowning.

You are 15 when you make the first of the grand mistakes of your life because you are young and stupid, and it’s so close to costing you everything your young heart knows how to love you forget how to breathe. You wait for anger, you almost cry as you beg for him to shout your worthlessness against your face the way you are used to but the silent disappointment and sad eyes are a million times worse. For a week you won’t dare to sleep in your own bed so you search the castle for places you won’t be seen in and sleep as Padfoot because dogs dream in prettier colours.

When James finds you one evening he’s the one doing the yelling and it’s not the voice you need more than the air in your lungs but it’s enough to drag you back to your own bed as a boy instead of a dog. You lie awake afraid of your own demons and the boy sleeping behind two sets of heavy red curtains, and you almost leave because you can’t breathe. But then your mattress dips and there are lean arms around your waist and you are pulled so tightly against a warm chest your lungs struggle to work for a whole other reason.

“ _Don’t you ever do that again, don’t you ever do that again_ ”, whispered over and over against the back of your neck until you cry but it’s okay because he’s not letting you go for the entire night.

You are barely 16 when she throws you out of the house for good and you have no idea what to do. Then the boy who has been saving you since you were 11 saves you again and the Potters welcome you to the house like you are their son. That night you cry again, but you are 16 and you won’t let anyone see.

You’ve probably known since you were 12 but you are 16 when you finally see how the way James feels about Evans is the same way you feel about Remus. Suddenly your world lights up and you are the one named after stars but Remus is the one who forms whole constellations on your personal sky. You kiss every girl you find and even a few boys but none of them have the power to make your knees weak by smiling.

You are still 16 when you realize being in love also means being afraid. You have one of the worst nights of your life because the moon is harder than usually and he ends up hurting himself and they won’t even let you visit him in the hospital wing. When he’s safely in his own bed again, you drink too much before you crawl back to your bed feeling more miserable than before you started pouring the liquor down.

Even through two sets of heavy curtains you can hear he’s not sleeping either, so you pull the curtains aside and slide into sheets that feel more familiar than your own skin somehow, wrapping your arms around a waist that is almost too narrow. He sighs and relaxes against you and you are whispering stuff into his ear because you are drunk and your secrets decide to spill out. You are saying things you shouldn’t because it’s not stuff 16 year-old boys say to each other but Remus turns and looks into your eyes and suddenly it’s lips against your lips and the world shifts on its orbit.

You are so young when the war begins and when you are 16 and in love people around you are dying. You might be safe in the castle but you are not safe in the world and you live fast and keep the people you love too close because that way it’s easier to breathe. You are 16 and being in love during the war is like holding water in your bare hands.

Yet you let him press you against a wall and suck bruises into your neck with such passion that it feels like he’s sucking them straight into your soul, because you are 16 and hickeys are your concept of forever.

The sex you have is rough but so is the world around you.

You are 18 when you rent a small apartment together and spend the summer sleeping in and fucking against every surface available and you still don’t know how your life turned out okay when you had the odds against you in every way possible.

You are still too young when Dumbledore hires you to do what he says is the good work, but the world is getting darker and you are not sure if it’s the good work after all.

You are just 21 when your life stops.

You are 23.

You are 26.

You are 31.

You are nothing.

You are 33 and the boy looks so much like James it hurts in a way you didn’t know existed. “ _You’re reason they’re dead!_ ” Harry shouts and you don’t say anything because it’s the truth.

Still 33 and you can’t even tell where the darkness ends and you begin but the ghost from your past still takes you back into his life and tries to put you together piece by piece. Once again you learn sleeping with his hands around your waist that has gotten so narrow that he makes you eat chocolate like you’re 15 again. Your concept of reality is rigged but he’s patient as ever, spending endless hours talking just so you have a voice to hold on to.

You might not remember your last 12 birthdays but you can still map his body using the same scars and freckles he has never shown anyone else.

You are 35 and you get to spend unforgettable months with Harry and you know you cant rebuild yourself after 12 years of nothing but looking at the boy gives you the sense of something turning out okay during those 12 years. You hold onto the boy too tight but learn his smile has the power to remove skeletons from your closet.

You are 35 and you feel so restless in the house you hate that Remus has to spend time physically holding you down, but your skin still feels like it’s the wrong size for you. He tries so hard it makes you want to scream, but the pieces of you just won’t hold together in the darkest hours.

You are probably still too young when the green light hits you in the chest but you fall so fast you don’t hear the voices that used to have the power to bring you back.


End file.
